Ok, so before I commence what may sound like somewhat of a whingey rant, let me just note that this is not an emo out, I am currently very content and at ease with with stuff and I am not sad in the slightest, rather just pensive. Only in the past day did 3 wonderful friends of mine get accepted for amazing internships/jobs in which they will be doing exactly what they want to do with their lives and making a serious difference. On top of that, watching friends go off to work to earn money (even if it does seem like for fuck all recompensation) while I sit on my ass whilst being a vagrant in the homes of various friends and waiting for the latest season of Glee to stream on Cuevana sometimes makes me feel like a bit of a... bum. There was once a time where I was a hard working, money earning, productive person who had more trouble finding free time than anything. Thanks to Centrelink, a low cost of living in Mexico and contentness to live the lifestyle of a poor person, I am not scraping to survive in any way at all and the money just does not matter to me at this point in time.
However, it is not just a shit kicker, money spinning, survival job that I necessarily find myself desirous of. With another 2 and a half years of university goodness (hell?), I find my head buried in the sand with respect to any lifelong ambition or career plan, or even something that I am passionate about. While I do have a general vague idea about the direction I would somewhat like to go in, the specifics are very fuzzy and there is nothing REALLY there. What's more, as a result of not having any direction, I don't find myself really working towards a non existent goal. Of course with 2.5 years remaining, I am not in a super hurry, although I am aware that if I leave things too long, nobody will want to hire a derelict with no experience since she was 19, mediocre grades and knowledge of firespinning and Cuevana. Volunteer work, internships and maybe even a job somewhere in the direction of what I want to be doing would be ideal, but of course then all of the above require some form of commitment, which is the opposite (in my mind) of freedom, and at this point in time freedom the concept of giving up my freedom is something terrifying. However, freedom at the expense of any form of career, direction or of my doing anything with my life is even more worrying and I hope to god/jesus/satan/ganesh that I don't end up doing what I'm doing now my entire life.
It seems to me that there are several roadblocks in my way to doing something productive with my life (right now): the fact that I don't know what I want to be doing makes it hard to motivate myself to give up my freedom in order to work towards what I want to to. While I am absolutely aware that if there is no perfect job for me then I just have to make it, what I lack is the passion to even know if that is the case.
While I have one month left in Mexico of school and then 2 months of travelling before having something of stability in my life with which to work hard, establish something and make my resume (and transcript?) not look like crap, maybe I just have to push these feelings of laziness and unmotivation to the side for the time being. While I may not be in any position to commit myself to anything in the short term (pretty sure this is a bullshit excuse now), all I can do is enjoy and experience all that I can in my final days of what has been a year long adventure, and maybe something will inspire me along the way, after all, I'm only 21! Do I really need to know everything already?
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